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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This journey will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.